4 Marriage Fracturing Myths To Stay Clear Of
Myth 1: Marriage is supposed to make me happy
We’ve bought into this notion hook, line and sinker. We’re told to do the things that make us happy, and this definitely has merit when contemplating the jobs we should take or deciding which establishments to patron, and even which dating relationships to pursue.
But we must be weary of allowing this mantra to follow us into marriage. Why? It’s because, with this mindset, if at any moment, our happiness is in jeopardy, so is our commitment. This might suffice in courtship, but not in the marriage union. When we’re courting, we’re analyzing the relationship and calculating if we’re getting at least as much back in the relationship as we’re giving. It’s like how we approach our jobs—if our compensation package and job fulfillment is equal to or greater than the value we place on our time, commute stress, and physical and emotional energy expenditure, we stay. But as soon as we feel we’re not getting enough back, our commitment tanks and we’re off searching for better opportunities. This is precisely why we cannot approach marriage with the same mindset.
Consumer relationships are based on personal satisfaction and a calculation of investment vs. return, but marriages are not consumer relationships, they’re covenant ones. And covenant relationships have a different foundation—enduring commitment and sacrificial giving.
Myth 2: I'll have a great marriage if I marry "the one"
I’ve been to (and officiated) dozens of weddings and it’s such an honor to be welcomed to walk alongside at such a precious season and it never gets old. And if you’ve been to enough weddings, and heard your fair share of wedding speeches, you’ve probably heard (or said) the phrase “soul mates” in describing a couple.
While it’s true that someone can be a better relational match with one person over another, this idea of soul mate is the wrong mental preparation for a lifelong relationship. Why? It’s because it wrongly sets us up to think that two people will have a better (and easier) marriage if they marry “the one.” It blinds us to think that meeting and marrying “the one” will put the marriage on autopilot to bliss and success; and a rude awakening usually comes sooner than later.
Truth is: Great marriages are not the result of marrying the one, but built through daily acts of love and sacrifice. Feelings of marrying the one might have gotten two people to a marriage altar, but it will certainly not be enough to build their marriage life going forward. Great marriages don't fall into our laps pre-made; they are build brick by brick, one act of love and service after another.
Myth 3: Marriage is 50-50
This 50-50 marriage idea is probably the most pervasively believed and practically relevant of the myths I’ll share. This idea slithers into the relationship on a daily basis and, at its core, is a demand for equal participation because of fairness and personal displeasure.
Essentially, it’s having a mental piece of paper with a line drawn down the middle, which keeps record of everything each person does for the relationship. If I picked up the kids, it’s written down. If I prepared dinner, it’s on there. If I worked overtime, it’s on there as well. And the list keeps on growing. And here’s what happens, I begin to compare the sides of the list—because I’ve been taking notes on my spouse’s contributions as well—and when I see things becoming lop-sided, I begin to pull back from actively participating to make the marriage better and I begin to wait. Where? At the perceived 50-50 line. I know I could be doing more, but I don’t. Why? Because my spouse is not doing enough.
Here’s the problem: (1) we always give ourselves more credit for the things we do, (2) it’s impossible to actually determine if each partner is giving 50%, (3) we pull back when our spouses need us the most, (4) we focus on what our spouses are “not” doing, and (5) marriage stability (and spousal acceptance) is based on performance. Because the needs and capacities of each partner fluctuate, a marriage needs ebb and flow, and this doesn’t work if I’m only willing to go halfway.
Healthy marriages, in the long run, likely have close to a 50-50 average, but this is a damaging expectation to have on the daily pressures couples go through.
Myth 4: Getting married will complete me
Somehow our culture has bought into the idea that a person needs to get married to have a full life. Family and friends put so much energy in trying to get their single loved-ones married, that it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking less of ourselves if we’re unmarried and that we’re less grown up if we don’t have kids.
Not only does this inflict unnecessary anxiety on the person in singleness, it also places unattainable expectations on any future spouse, if he/she does choose to get married. If we’re looking for a husband or wife to finally complete the missing piece of our lives, we’re stepping into the marriage with a broken mindset.
The marriage union is not comprised of two half-people, but two whole-people. Brokenness and deficiencies are part of the human existence but these imperfections are what make us whole-people. Learning to love who we are, as we are, is the first step in being able to build a healthy marriage.
To cap things off, let me share how the statement declared at our weddings—I do—helps us build strong marriages and families. Too often, our conversations with our spouses are filled with the statements “I did” or “I will.” It’s easy to rationalize the strength of our marriages by reliving past actions or putting more stock in future aspirations and promises. These have their place, but we would do our marriages good by saying “I do” each day. Let’s be present daily with our spouses. Let’s give today. Let’s love today. Let’s serve today. Let’s build today. Let’s start today!