If You're An Exhausted Parent Of A Toddler, Here Are Five Important Reminders
This post if primarily for parents with children younger than 5 years (but will benefit parents of kids of all ages).
Jenny and I have two boys, Jacob, 5, and Christopher, 3, and there was a time not too long ago that I was somewhat worried about my relationship with Christopher. It definitely wasn’t at a critical point, but just at a point of mild concern because I felt like he wasn’t very affectionate towards me.
Here’s how we got there…
When Christopher was born, Jacob was 26 months old and, with Jenny going back to work just 2 months after giving birth, we quickly made an arrangement for my mother-in-law to be Christopher’s full-time caretaker during the day while Jacob went to preschool. And in those days, Jenny’s hours were quite long, not getting home until about 8pm, sometimes even 9pm. So, the routine every weekday evening was pick up Jacob at 5:30, swing by my in-law’s place to pick up Christopher and then go home to feed the kids dinner, play for a bit and then get the kids cleaned and ready for bed. And this went on for about a year-and-a-half. Nothing out of the ordinary, I know, but those 2-3 hours often drained me.
Somewhere between the meal preps, the frustration of not being able to see the floor through the layer of toys, and the constant nagging for the boys to stop aggravating each other, I tired out. And the default reaction of a tired person is one of impatience and self-preservation. My tone and my words were increasingly more corrective and nuanced with discontent.
“Stop fighting!” “I already told you so stop asking me the same question!” “Finish your food!” “Why is the house so messy? Clean up your toys!” “No!”
Jacob was able to handle most of my frustration because I had built up a strong relationship with him up to that point and he had gotten a lot of positive energy from me! This was key.
But it wasn’t that way with Christopher. When I took time to reflect on this, I figured that he wasn’t affectionate towards me because, from early on, the general undertones of the energy he received from me was leaning more towards a tired dad. Grandma showered him with affection and rarely said no to one of his requests. In contrast, I was frequently separating the boys and giving them corrective directions.
I was new at being a dad of two young children and I was ambushed. I always wanted to be a dad who was present, affectionate and affirming of my kids and this tiredness and frustration snuck up on me, and I didn’t like it. So, I became intentional about changing the proportions of energy I gave to our boys in this demanding season.
Age 5 is an important marker for me as a parent because there is much research that shows that 90% of a child’s brain development happens within the first 5 years. Children grow and learn at a very rapid rate in this early stage and create a vast amount of connections among their brain neurons (synapses). As the child matures, many of these connections will be trimmed or strengthened depending on the stimulation the child receives, but the groundwork is laid.
I want to lay a solid father-son foundation with Christopher in these high-impact early years, and it wasn’t too late, so I started to be more intentional about giving him positive physical touch and affirming words--basically, the things that I did with Jacob but somehow overlooked with Christopher. I would stroke his hair with my hands regularly. I would randomly and frequently hold him in my arms and whisper in his ear, “I love you!” I simply chose to give him more positive energy and words than negative ones. This mindset changed how I disciplined and how we sat together as a family.
At first, not much changed and he still clung to mom (and grandma). But slowly I began to see a turnaround after a couple of months. He started to do small things like wanting to sit on my lap when doing something, wanting me to sit next to him when he eats, or reaching for my hand when walking side by side. But the thing that excites me the most is when he joyfully looks at me in random moments and says, “Dad, I love you!”
Parents don’t start out wanting to be crabby, negative parents. We turn into them because we’re emotionally depleted and just trying to get through the day.
So, if you’re having difficulty with your young child, here are five important reminders:
1. Stop beating yourself up. Parenting is crazy and unpredictable. No mess up is final. You work hard and the reality is you have your capacity. Recognize your limitations and don’t allow guilt to exacerbate things and make you feel worse than you need to feel.
2. Stop comparing your child to other people’s kids (or his/her siblings). All kids are different and develop at their own pace and in their own way. A sure fire way to kill a kid’s self-worth is to always tell him, “Why aren’t you like…?” Or “Why can’t you do it like…?” Many parents might not actually say these things, but they’re thinking them. And that thinking is affecting how you interact with your child.
3. Realize that your child is creating a framework for living, not operating from an established one. Sometimes, kids really don’t know any better. They don’t have a well-established value system that gives them cues to stop patronizing you or to prioritize cleaning up after themselves. So teach them once, and then teach them again. Coach them, don’t force them!
4. Decide to give more positive energy than negative energy. This doesn't happen passively. You’ll still have to discipline, because you’re the parent. You’ll still have to say no when they want to play with the kitchen knife, because you’re the parent. You’ll still have to send them to school, because you’re the parent. But step back and ask yourself two simple questions: Does my child hear me say “no” to them more than they hear me say “yes”? Am I usually tired, rather than energized, when around my child(ren)? If you answered yes to these two questions, you are likely giving more negative energy to your child and it is affecting how they respond to you.
5. Parent in community. Don’t struggle by yourself. Our pride compels us to hide our dirty laundry but, when we air it out, we soon realize that we’re not the only ones struggling with this issue. Open up to trusted friends and hear from other parents who are traveling (have traveled) those same roads.